Which Pokemon Tastes the Best?

In light of a Pokemon themed pop-up burger restaurant coming in November, and in light of a friend of mine pointing out that you can’t say “Pokemon burger” without picturing a sandwich made from ground up Pokemon, I’ve decided to rank the most delicious Pokemon.

Why?  Because that bastard Brian David Gilbert teased us with it, only to take it away from us.

First and foremost, I won’t be addressing Pokemon that are obviously already food. Yes, Alcreamie is just a pile of strawberries and whipped cream, yes Vanillite is just an ice cream cone-  the problem is here is that not only do we already know what they taste like, but I feel like their nature raises questions on the ability to eat them as is, and eating your Pokemon alive is barbaric. I’m also going to exclude any Pokemon based on animals that we already eat, which isn’t just limited to Torchic, Tauros, or any of the dozens of Pokemon that are just regular old fish, but also to the likes of Rapidash, Popplio, and Scorbunny for cultures that eat horses, seals, and rabbits, although that’s just because Scorbunny is my son and I won’t let you eat him.  Plant-based Pokemon are still fair game though, since some plants taste way better than others. In addition, I am, for the most part, going to lump basic Pokemon together with their evolutions and baby versions, unless there is enough distinction between evolutions to justify talking about them individually. I’m not going to include Legendary or Mythical Pokemon here either, not because of any moral quandary on whether or not your should eat the old gods, but because we already know that their omnipotence would be delicious. Lasty, Lickitung and Lickilicky are not going to be counted, because they are the super-tasters that helped me compile this list.

DON’T-Rank

This is for the Pokemon that should never be eaten under any circumstances due to the fact that they are completely inorganic or would otherwise present some bodily hazard.  As a general rule of thumb this includes:

• Rock Types- especially Fossil Types, which have the added bonus of being really, really old.  Please don’t eat old things.
• Steel Types.  Just because 5-year-old you liked to eat refrigerator magnets, doesn’t mean you should eat a Magnemite.
• Poison Types.  Sure Vileplume may look tasty but you really can’t take chances with eating random mushrooms you find in the woods
• Ground Types.  There’s no 5 second rule in the Pokemon universe, don’t eat things off the ground. 
• Also, Voltorb is here. How would you even do that.

F-Rank

This one’s for Pokemon that you could eat, but it isn’t going to be pleasant, at all.

• Ghost Types. Ok, I have to take back the “Pokemon that you could eat” bit, because I’m not sure if these technically have corporeal forms to eat.  If they do, they probably taste like ectoplasm, or like really really old things. Please don’t eat old things. 
• Similarly, Porygon and its… evolutions? Updates? …Patches?  It’s just code. You can’t eat it.   
• Bug Types.  I know lots of people eat things like chocolate-covered crickets for the shock value of it, but with all the other Pokemon you could be eating, these will probably not be the best. A lot of them are also Poison Types too, anyway. 
• “Lava Types.”  While it isn’t technically a real Pokemon Type, any of the Fire Types that invoke a lava aesthetic are guaranteed to instantly give you heartburn.
• Snorunt,  Snover, Cryogonal, and Bergmite have the opposite effect, giving you brain freeze for even looking at them.
• Psychic Types. You remember that one Burger King burger that gave people nightmares? This is that.  
• Meowth.  He can talk, man, what’s wrong with you.

D-Rank

You don’t have to be on the brink of starvation to eat these Pokemon, but it’s still not going to be great.

• Any of the rat-based Pokemon.  Have you ever been waiting for the subway and think, “yeah, I wanna take a bite outta that little dude?” God I really hope not.
• Dark Types.  Basically the same side effects as Psychic Types, but not as severe.  
• Vaporeon- looks like they’d taste like seaweed salad- fibrous and slimy and no actual flavor.
• A little something I like to call “The Nasty Plants.” Chikorita, Sunkern, Carnivine, Cottonee, Chespin, and Gossifleur are all Grass Types that look like you might as well be eating a mouthful of actual grass.
• Horsea- I had to google “do people eat seahorses” for this one, and it turns out they don’t taste very good.
• Any of the bipedal, sorta humanoid Fighting Types- because a.) it’s too close to eating people and b.) that much lean, overworked muscle would yield very tough meat.  Special shout out to Throh and Sawk, who have karate gis that are either made out of cloth or are just part of their flesh, both of which would be terrible to eat.
• Any monkey-based Pokemon is going to cause a similar moral dilemma. 
• While we’re struggling with the ethics of eating Pokemon, I’m just gonna throw any Pokemon that’s a cat or a dog here too.  Don’t @ me, PETA.
• Tangela- is literally some spaghetti that someone boiled in blue gatorade. 

C-Rank

These are the Pokemon you can eat and say “Yeah, ok, that’s food.”

• Any of the Flying Types that are just like a regular fucking bird.  
• Dragon Types, as well as any other reptilian Pokemon, regardless of type.  I’m basing this solely on the one time I had alligator, which is probably the closest any of us will ever get to eating a dragon. 
• Any of the Water Types that aren’t just fish, shellfish or crustaceans.  Apparently otters taste pretty good, I guess
• Normal Types that don’t fall into any other category mentioned here.  They’re like dollar menu cheeseburgers, they’re alright, but there isn’t really anything noteworthy about them. (I swear, this is going to be the last blanket statement, mass ruling out of entire Types for the sake of cutting the list down)
• “Whatever Plants.”  Like, if you wanted to eat Bellossom, Hoppip, Lombre, Seedot, Shroomish, Leafeon, Pansage, Flabébé (pretentious accent marked mother fucker), Fomantis, or Comfey, I guess you could. It wouldn’t be much different than eating lotus roots or those obnoxious edible flowers that Michelin Star restaurants like to garnish with. 
• Spritzee, “the perfume Pokemon.” If you’ve ever been waited on by a server wearing too much cologne or perfume, you know that the fragrance makes it kinda hard to eat.
• Any Electric Type whose design focuses on a lot of jagged edges in order to convey its shocking nature.  That’s not a good mouthfeel.
• Tropius- I don’t trust this banana bitch.  Is the fruit part of him? Does he feel pain when the bananas are picked?

B-Rank

Now we’re starting to get into “eating it for reasons other than “idk, it’s there”” territory.

• Ditto- or at least in its regular form, where it looks like a pile of grape jelly.  Points taken off because when taking the form of another Pokemon, it would just taste like a blander version of that.
• Stufful- disregard my previous comment on Fighting Types, this little guy looks like Neapolitan ice cream (they’re also, like, the only Fighting Type that isn’t bipedal, or at least until they evolve).  
• Any Fire Type that hasn’t already been mentioned elsewhere.  They’re spicy boys.
• Maractus and Cacnea- eating cactus is very trendy, apparently.

A-Rank 

Finally, some real epicurean delights.

• Clefairy, Jigglypuff, Chansey, Audino and Swirlix are all in a class that I like to call “Marshmallow Types.”
• “The Good Veggies.”  Cherubi, Petitil, Morelull and Bounsweet are the kings of side dishes.  
• Glaceon, Cubchoo and Alolan Vulpix are the only Ice Types that offer a cool, refreshing treat without just biting into a solid block of ice.  
• Snorlax- with that much fat, I’m convinced that they would be the Pokemon equivalent of either a well-marbled ribeye steak or pork belly.

S-Rank

Apologies to Mr. Gilbert, for calling him a coward for not wanting to do this. And apologies to you, for making you read this.

After writing all of that I’ve decided that I hate myself, and am probably going to go vegan now.