As the generational divide continues to grow, I think we all need to remember one of the great unifying factors that spans all generations: going shopping the day after one of the big candy holidays and buy a bunch of half-off candy.  And as stores try to clear out their shelves to make room for their fresh shipments of Christmas decorations, the first few days of November are the peak time to partake in this great pastime.

(Also, sorry that some of the photography isn’t the best.  It’s hard to take good pics in the Halloween aisle at Target in between judging glances from the other customers.)

Lifesavers/Skittles/Starbursts/Whatever that fourth thing is I don’t remember

You like to live on the edge (not knowing what flavors you’re going to get in each Starburst packet) and you have nothing left to lose (again, it’s half off).

(Also, I like lemon Starbursts, don’t @ me)


You’ve boughten in to the capitalist propaganda and are willing to overlook William Wonka’s child murder factory and enslavement of races he deems ‘inferior.’  But I guess that’s all fine and dandy since he’s not even the only chocolatier with questionable labor practices anyway. 

Shopping Cart Full of Bulk Candy Corn

This isn’t even about the candy, this is purely about the economics of it.   You want to be able to say you bought a million of something for like five bucks.  Or, you’re working the long con, and have a plan for some kind of candy corn related prank for next Halloween.

Or, maybe you really do just like candy corn. Idk man, I seem to be the only person on the internet that doesn’t really have a strong opinion on the stuff, it’s fine I guess.

Tootsie Pops

You had a teacher that rewarded good behavior with lollipops, and now you have a Pavlovian response associating any lollipops with being a good boy. 

Cotton Candy in a Tub

You secretly miss summer, and regret not eating more cotton candy at carnivals/fairs/etc while you still had the chance.  Or, you’re pastel goth, and are mad that Halloween doesn’t have more pink things in it.


The blandest of the bland, the first time you ate Tums you thought, “Man, I wish there was a smaller version of this, maybe in a plastic tube that’ll fit in the weird little pocketwatch pocket that my jeans have for some reason”.  Or you’ve just straight up lost the ability to find any enjoyment out of life, but need to keep your blood sugar up.

Lucky Charms Marshmallows

Wait this isn’t even Halloween candy.  You went shopping elsewhere in the store and left this in the Halloween aisle after seeing all the discount candy, didn’t you.  I’m on to you, you piece of shit.

2 thoughts on “Which Discounted, Post-Halloween Candy Are You?

  1. RJG says:

    Lucky Charms Marshmallows … are they a cereal or meant to be eaten by hand

    Or, maybe anything can be a cereal with the right context.

    1. Riley Johnson says:

      I think they’re meant to be eaten by hand, but then again so is cereal according to some people so we may never know.

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