The Good, the Bad, and the What the Fuck of Star Wars Food

It’s December, so you know what that means! …  A new Star Wars movie! 

Regardless of your thoughts on The Rise of Skywalker (I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone says it is, although it is a hot mess at times), you have to admit that if there’s one thing Star Wars knows, it’s having tons and tons of background information for every miscellaneous thing. Thanks to George Lucas and the hundreds of writers who crafted the Expanded Universe (oh, sorry, “Legends,” thanks Disney), we know… wayyyy more than we could have ever wanted about literally everything (except for, like, what species are Yoda and Baby Yoda) in the Star Wars universe.  Like, I have a vague memory of checking a book out from my middle school library where the B-plot was Lando was horny so he took off and searched the galaxy for love. Wild.

So what do we know about the food from a galaxy far, far away?

Let’s start with this, the Wookieepedia page- not an excerpt, the full text- for “Foodstuff.”

“Foodstuff, or food, was nourishment needed for sentient beings to survive. Jogan fruits were a type of food. On Imperial starships, officers were encouraged to avoid consuming solid food and drink nutritive beverages instead, because it was more efficient in terms of ship resources and officer time. Food included cakes, fruit and ration packs.”

Ah.  Ok. So from this, we know that 1.) Jogan fruits are a thing that exist, 2.) Imperial officers are a bunch of Soylent-chugging tech bros, and 3.) the three food groups in Star Wars are cakes, fruits, and rations (which is probably just Soylent again).   

But digging a little deeper into Wookieepedia’s garbage pile of a website, I was able to find out a little more about the cuisine of the Star Wars universe… even if half the articles I found just said “____ is a food that exists.”

The Good

Blue Milk

The most Iconic™ Star Wars food.  Used to make yogurt, cheese, ice cream and pancakes or drank as is, you can’t have a meal without it.  You can even get it at Disneyworld! (Thanks, Disney.) 

Sliders

I was surprised to find that sliders are a thing in the Star Wars lore.  Like, actual sliders. They’re described as “Mongo Beefhead patties” on “medium-density food boards.”  The one at Dex’s Diner were apparently so good that patrons would flock there from across the galaxy, making it Coruscant’s equivalent of White Castle.   

Space Waffle

It’s waffles, in space.  Do they call them space waffles in-universe?

The Bad

Baked Dru’un Slices in Fish Sauce

Clicking through to the article on dru’un just tells you that it’s the main ingredient in baked dru’un slices in fish sauce, so who fuckin knows.  But, I do know what fish sauce is, and I would prefer not to eat it in large, undiluted quantities.  

Acid Beets

There’s two possibilities here: either they’re 100% alien and nothing like the beets on Earth, or the ‘acid’ is vinegar, making them pickled beets.  Either way, I don’t like it.  

Sagbat

The only thing we know about Sagbat is that its consistency was so gelatinous that it would get stuck in people’s throats.  Like, rule #1 of food is that it shouldn’t kill you, I shouldn’t have to explain that.

The What the Fuck

Green Milk

Also known as sea cow milk or Thala-siren milk, this is best known from that one scene in The Last Jedi where Luke just walks up to a creature (a Thala-siren, apparently) and milks it (her?) out of fucking nowhere. So objectively this milk probably should be in the Good, but I’m putting it in what the fuck because what the fuck dude. 

Crumps™ Crunchy Wog Cluster

Look at that fuckin’ name.  Incredible. If I was going off the name alone, I would have put this under The Good, but literally the only info on the Wookieepedia page is that they’re made with slavery.  The ™ should have been a clue that space capitalism had their hands in this.

Dagobah Slug Syrup

Apparently someone looked at the slimy trail that a slug left behind and wanted to taste it.  And then they wanted me to believe it tasted good. No.