I Rated the Highs and Lows of the Chipotle Goods Line

Folks, if you’re anything like me, you’ve spent most of this year either stress-eating or impulse-buying random shit online.  But only one company is brave enough to try to tackle both markets, and that’s Chipotle.  Chipotle Goods launched a… surprisingly extensive line of apparel and accessories a few weeks ago (I would have written about it then, but the Bon Appetit scandal seems to be what keeps people coming back, so…), with some being better than others. So let’s take a look at some of them (but not all- a lot of them are the same designs on a different style shirt or a tote bag, or just the Chipotle logo slapped on something) to see if we can find any hidden gems in this otherwise confusing line of products that no one asked for.

The Custom Order Tee

This is definitely the most on-brand item in the line, and is presumably where the idea for the line came from. It also has the same energy as those streetwear clothing lines that just throw a bunch of random words on a shirt, so it’s pretty trendy looking as long as you don’t read it.  And the customizable aspect is neat, too. However, as someone who has worked a Chipotle-esque service counter before, nothing about the experience pissed me off more than customers expecting me to read their order off of a piece of paper or a text on their phone instead of just telling me what they wanted, so I feel like this kinda falls into the same vein.  Also, I tend to flip flop between the barbacoa and the sofritas, so what, am I supposed to buy 2 shirts? I think NOT. 8/10

The Chipotle Natural Avocado Dye Tee

I know I said I was gonna be avoiding shirts that are just the logo slapped on a shirt, but I feel like the “upcycled avocado pit” dye is, if nothing else, an interesting conversational piece.  That conversation, of course, being, “did they make their workers save all those avocado pits from when they made guac?  How long was that smelly bucket of avocado pits hanging out for?” lmao 6/10

The Burrito Pocket Tee

If you ever wondered what that little cat that hangs out in shirt pockets and is also secretly flipping you off would look like if they were wrapped in foil… why the fuck were you wondering that? Anyway, here’s that I guess. 5/10

The Foil Gym Duffel Bag

I can easily see this draped over the shoulder of some twink hanging around a gym solely for the sake of getting some gym rat dick.  Whether Chipotle intended that or not is irrelevant. 

(Sorry twinks, it’s “coming soon,” but hey, it’s not like the gyms are open anyway). 5/10 

The Extra Sweatshirt

Ok, this kinda looks like something I’d actually wear. The insignia is subtle, and not necessarily Chipotle-themed so you don’t have to worry about someone calling you out for becoming a walking billboard. 9/10

The Chih-Poat-Lay Tee

Finally, my mom can stop saying “chih-pol-tee.”  Don’t know how often someone would actually wear it, though. 6/10

The Five-Panel Hat

There’s something about the.. panels? of this hat that make me uncomfortable. Is this what the snapback kids are into these days? 2/10

The Burritos Tote Bag

Ok, this got a sensible chuckle out of me.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I already have way too many tote bags I’d actually consider it. (btw- cashiers hate having to put your groceries in these kinds of light, flimsy canvas bags that don’t stand up on their own.) 7/10

The Avocado Jean Jacket

This is probably where their intentions of being a normal streetwear brand go awry.  Or, rather, they’re doing such a good job of being a streetwear brand they forget they’re Chipotle.  Like, you gotta pull the jacket open and whisper “hey kid, wanna buy an avocado?” for anyone to even realize that it’s not just a regular jean jacket.  On the other hand, it’s a jean jacket, so 10/10

The Foil Phone Case

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Phone case design is my passion  1/10