The things just keep happening, huh
Desserkeys. That’s dessert turkeys, for those of you who are portmanteau-challenged. They’re here, and they’re a thing I guess. Brought to you by the gourmands at… Reynolds Wrap? Sure, fuck it.
This year has already been too goddamn weird. And the big family get-together isn’t happening this year (or it shouldn’t, are you trying to kill your grandma?), so now’s the time to take some chances with the menu.
The strangest part? They don’t actually sound bad.
Pecan Pie
People have been putting brown sugar dry rubs and glazes on turkeys forever, so this isn’t really all that groundbreaking. The painstakingly placed pecans on top may seem glaring at first, but really, when you think about it, is it really any different than getting walnut chicken from a Chinese takeout place?
Gingerbread
Again, molasses glaze? Ginger spice rub? While not exactly traditional, these are perfectly sensible flavors for someone trying to liven up their Thanksgiving lineup. It only really started to slip into cursed territory when the food stylist decided to pipe on a gingerbread man outline in frosting, complete with gumdrop buttons.
Chocolate
On the surface, this might seem like the most cursed. Or, at least the food stylist in charge at this photoshoot wants you to think so. A chocolate-BBQ glaze sounds a lot like a sort of a novice’s version of a mole sauce, so it’s probably not that bad. The most offensive part of this? The fruit. I mean, if you tried to serve it as pictured, the juices from the turkey would just seep out onto the plate and macerate the fruit. And no one wants a pile of hot, wet, meaty fruit.
I have to admit, I’m typically pretty cynical when it comes to overtly sweet flavor profiles when it comes to meat. Mostly because a lot of them seem like they belong in the annals of that terrifying niche of post-war americana, alongside ham and jello salad and bananas hollandaise. But these? As long as you ignore the food stylist trying to earn extra “cursed points,” these deserve a chance.
So where do we go from here? Pound cake stuffing? Streusel topping on green bean casserole? Perhaps some sort of condiment, made out of mashed up berries?
“And no one wants a pile of hot, wet, meaty fruit.” Amen.