Just a few weeks ago, I was writing about how it seemed like KFC didn’t know what demographic its weird publicity stunts wanted to go after.  First, they went after the milfs with a romance novel.  Then, they went after the gamers with a dating sim.  Then, they cycled back around to the milfs with a Lifetime Original Movie.  Like clockwork, it seems like it’s once again time for the gamers to rise up.  

Enter: the KFConsole.  Powered by an Intel i9-9980 HK processor.  Backed up by a 1 TB Seagate Barracuda solid state drive.  VR ready.  240 frames per second.  4K compatible.  Ray tracing, whatever the fuck that is.  Shaped like a bucket.  Some sources say that it’s allegedly so powerful, it can make Cyberpunk 2077 run kinda ok.

Now, some skeptics might say that these kinds of specs make it sound more like a gamer PC than a “console.”  Once again, the skeptics are wrong.  Because you can’t put KFC in a computer, you fucking buffoon.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

The rest of this article will be written on my backup laptop.

That’s right, the KFConsole’s main claim to fame isn’t its incredible specs, it’s that it has a built-in chicken warming compartment.  Because who cares if you can get 69 terashits per megafart if your chicken gets cold while you do all your gaming?

It’s genius, really.  The bargain-bin laptop I had in college that would overheat so badly if I dared so much as to have 3 different tabs open that I did occasionally wonder if it was hot enough to cook on.  And now, the mad scientists at KFC have found a way to harness that thermal energy in ways I had only merely dreamed of.  I do have some concerns over whether or not the fumes coming off the thermal paste (or any of the components up in there, really) are particularly food-safe, though.

I feel like it’s also worth mentioning that while greasy fried chicken may not seem like the best thing to snack on while gaming, I would like to posit that really, greasy fingerprints on your controller are not as big of a sin as, say Dorito dust.  Why did Doritos become the stereotypical “gamer snack” when it’s one of the worst things to eat while gaming?

The most troubling part, however, is the implications of this latest release for the pattern I described at the start of this article.  The first 2 were 2 years apart, the next one was one year after that.  Now, we get 2 in one month?  Sure, the KFConsole, as of now, has no set release date, but with that kind of exponential acceleration, by the time it does come out, the next installment in the milf sequence will be long overdue.   And with each offering representing an escalation in their resolve, what will it take for the milfs to usurp the gaming console that will, once and for all, end the console wars? A Keurig machine that also dispenses gravy? An SUV with built-in heated cupholders large enough to caress an 8-piece bucket? A robot nanny, built in the image of the Colonel himself?

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