[This is satirical. Please do not confuse this for actual information on the January 6th insurrection.]
As thousands of frenzied Trump supporters rushed the Capitol last Wednesday, one lone man stood against the tide of madness. No, it wasn’t a law enforcement officer. It was a hot dog vendor.
The vendor, fully embodying the entrepreneurial spirit, spotted an opportunity and took advantage of it. With no one else around to sell food to the coup conspirators, he could take advantage of the scarcity and set whatever price he wanted. Specifically, that price would be $20 for a hot dog.
“It’s supply and demand! If you don’t like it, buy from somewhere else,” the vendor reportedly said. “The customer speaks with their dollar, you know.” There was, of course, nowhere else to buy from, because no one else would want to get involved in whatever the fuck all that was.
As the hungry insurgents approached the tent, they one-by-one found themselves outraged by the price, but not able to counter the vendor’s argument. These were, of course, the ideals that they had supposedly come here to defend. To say anything else would be communism. And communism is bad. And sure, they could have just trashed the guy’s tent, but that’s destruction of private property. And that’s also communism. Which is bad.
Confused, frustrated, and embarrassed, the mob slowly lost steam, packed up their things and began milling about while waiting for the bus back to their hotel. Some would eventually seek refuge in a nearby McDonald’s, but by then they were no longer in the mood to kidnap and torture senators.
“I was all for companies being able to do whatever they want, exploit whoever they want,” said one fascist. “But I never thought they’d do it to me! The nerve of them!”
“I don’t… really want to talk about it,” said another. “I need to go home and rethink my life.”
Meanwhile, thousands took to Twitter to applaud “The Hustle,” and congratulate the vendor, whose name was lost in the chaos, for “bein’ on That Grind.”
Despite the tent clearly being branded as “Nathan’s Hot Dogs,” the brand refuses to be associated with the incident and has provided no further comments.
Why the angry mob hadn’t just overthrown capitalism (or at least the hot dog tent) is still being investigated.