I’ve spent enough time on the Internet to think that I can tell a shitposter from a genuinely weird person. But recently, an account has been plaguing my timeline that has been blurring that line: @thatwineguy68
His first tweet was on January 25th, and since then he has posted multiple times a day (he tweeted 10 times in the first day alone), all following the same format. A short, vague comment about how much he loves wine that reads similarly to something your grandma would put on Facebook, rife with unnecessary hashtags. Then, two images: one, a simple stock photo of wine. The other? His ghastly visage. A smile composed of teeth that are just slightly too big, in a mouth just slightly off-center from where the outline of his goatee would suggest the mouth should be. Eyes with pupils so dilated that the whites are barely even visible, outlined by eyebrows that form perfect semicircles. Perfectly featureless skin like a porcelain doll. A shirt so crumpled you could have told me he did a magic wine spell to take the wrinkles off his face and put them in his shirt, and I’d believe you. Ears that seem to be getting sucked into a black hole. Nose that has been airbrushed out of existence. The fact that it’s a car selfie. (EDIT: I have since been informed that the picture is a heavily edited version of someone else entirely’s profile picture, which has been used with permission.)
Some of the tweets were blatantly not true.
On January 28th he made an obligatory Stonks reference.
As the tweets went on, he eventually began developing a bit of lore. On February 3rd, he first mentioned his now ex-wife, Melissa.
Eventually someone began roleplaying as Melissa. A quick scroll through her account reveals that That Wine Guy’s full name is Chandler Johnston, however it’s impossible to tell if the person running this account is officially in on the bit or not so I have no choice but to deem this as non-canonical.
As he dwelled on his failed marriage, he had… an epiphany.
He would officially come out two days later
Overall this had little to do with anything.
What would end up changing the direction of the account, however, was his contemplation of the ultimate taboo: can a man… become wine?
Much as he had consumed the wine, he now was consumed by the idea of being wine.
On February 9th, he announced that finally, the time had come. He sealed himself away in a wine barrel to become one with the life-giving elixir he had so dearly cherished. His pinned tweet is now a simple gif of said wine barrel, dimly lit by flickering candlelight.
Some would say that this is the end of That Wine Guy’s story. However, a quick google search says that wine fermentation takes about 2-3 weeks, so something tells me we’ll be seeing, or perhaps… drinking? more of him soon. And some might say that to have him come out, only to disappear two days later counts as the “bury your gays” trope, but again, this isn’t death we’re talking about here, this is a rebirth.
So here we are, raising a glass of that red stuff (yup, that means #wine) to you, That Wine Guy. We wish you the best of luck in your transfiguration.