Mystery Pop-Tarts are the Most Confusing Item in the History of Mystery Flavors

I have a weird love/hate relationship with Pop-Tarts. They were an occasional treat when I was a child, so naturally once I was a college student with agency and whatnot I started buying them whenever I wanted.  But I didn’t have access to a toaster (and the “microwave method” is just barbaric), so I started just eating them plain out of the box.  Which sucks.  And I’m not gonna put on airs about how my palate is too refined for Pop-Tarts or some bullshit, but frankly, there’s better snacks out there.  

But as I was perusing the aisles of a grocery store that isn’t my usual go-to grocery store, I saw these [Apologies, as apparently they’ve been out for a while now.  Again, as far as I know I haven’t seen them at my usual grocery store.].  I thought I’d give it a go, because a.) I love a mystery gimmick, my anti-consumerist tendencies be damned, and b.) I read a whole-ass book last week, my brain needs a vacation.

The most immediate flavor you are greeted with is… the pastry part of the Pop-Tart.  Seriously, upon my first bite I was struggling to taste literally anything in this.  Even after peeling apart the layers and trying to just taste the filling, there just… isn’t a flavor going on here.  The mystery is where the flavor went.  Every once in a while, I’d get a note of bitterness or an otherwise unexplainable funk, but nothing strong enough to provide any hints towards its origin.

There is, however, something to say about the texture of the filling.  It’s very thick and viscous, even compared to their typical jam fillings.  Even upon heating, it didn’t run or do the melted-cheese-pull-apart-thing when tearing the popped tart in half.  This thicquid stays put.

After long deliberation, these were my initial top guesses:

1. Elmer’s Glue™  
2. cum
3. cheap marshmallow topping that doesn’t taste like anything
4. overwhipped buttercream frosting
5. cream cheese. Not cheesecake, just the brick of cream cheese.

Not really satisfied with any of those answers, I thought maybe, just maybe, there’d be a hint on the ingredients label.  I wasn’t expecting much, of course, since most things that would’ve given it away could be written off as “natural/artificial flavoring” or “spices,” but I was at the end of my rope.  

Don’t go knocking on Satan’s door if you aren’t ready to meet him.

Dried onion.  Garlic Powder.

It’s French Onion Dip.  It’s French Onion Dip Pop-Tarts.  

I didn’t taste it at first.  I had just been cooking with onion, garlic and scallions the night before, so the whole apartment smelled like alliums and I was a little noseblind to it.  I scrambled to eat a second package, and, lo and behold, that’s what the unexplained funk was. (Also, a quick google search says that a lot of people find these extremely cheese-forward, but I didn’t taste cheese at all in these.  Maybe I got a bad (good?) batch?)

I’m not sure what exactly in the past year or so radicalized the fine folks at Kellogg’s, but I’m here for it.  I’m looking forward to whatever savory Pop-Tart abomination comes next.