Chipotle recently started making headlines again after unveiling what could just be the most confusingly ingenious (or ingeniously confusing) stocking stuffer this holiday season: cilantro soap.  It’s perfect, really.  Cilantro haters are always crying about how much cilantro tastes like soap, so Chipotle said “Oh? You want soap?? Here you go, fuckers.”

Unfortunately, Chipotle massively underestimated just how much the internet goes crazy for a dumb, cheap joke item ($8 is a small price to pay to be able to say “yeah, I got the Chipotle soap”), and it sold out within hours.  However, it did once again bring my attention to the Chipotle Goods line, as it turns out they’ve snuck some other new products in since their initial launch, including an extensive line of activewear.    

Remember back in August of 2020, when Chipotle launched a line of streetwear?  Me neither, apparently.  I had to go back and read my first write-up just to make sure I didn’t accidentally repeat any of the ones I did the first time around. 

The Bomber Jacket

Bomber jackets are one of those things that I personally don’t think fit my sense of fashion, but will admit usually look good on other people.  Even trying to give it the benefit of the doubt, there’s something about the polyester-y shininess of this one that’s still off-putting to me, and the pepper design in the lining is too subdued.  The “It’s ok to be a little extra” embroidery on the inner flap is a nice touch though. 7/10

The Avocado/Pepper Pocket Tees

Including both as one entry here because honestly, they’re basically the same thing.  This is another one where, theoretically, I can get the appeal, if they’re going for street wear a mostly plain T-shirt with a splash of color in the form of a patterned pocket fits the bill.  I just personally don’t like T-shirts with pockets on them (unless it’s those ones with the cat in them).  But, I do appreciate that the peppers aren’t the Chipotle logo pepper, and that they are scattered about randomly.  8/10  (Oh, apparently there are button-downs with the same patterns across the whole thing. 9/10 for those, even though they’re both white instead of white/black, for some reason.)

The Leggings/Athletic Shorts

If you had an issue with me lumping those 2 tees together as one, then look out, because there’s actually 6 different things in this category: black and olive green bike shorts, black and olive green full-length leggings, and black and olive green “men’s” ¾ length leggings.  2 main points of interest here: First, there’s probably some kinda fake-deep commentary to be made about how, just as leggings are often seen as activewear, Chipotle seems to really want to be viewed as something that people eat before or after a workout, but in reality both are kinda just for lounging on the couch and doing fuck all.  

Secondly, what the hell is men’s leggings?  Like seriously, in all my years of genderqueer bullshit, I’ve never seen this term pop up before.  Do they have more room in the crotch?  If it wasn’t for the wider waistband on the full-length leggings, I would have assumed they were the same damn picture.  Judging by the sizing guide, it’s not like they took into consideration differences between the waist-to-hip ratio in amab and afab people.  Do they have pockets?  I’m trying to wrap my head around what kind of guy would be confident enough to wear these to the gym but fragile enough to only do so because these are the Man™ leggings (for men).   10/10 for men’s leggings, 8/10 for everything else, because gender inequality? idk, moving on.

The CULTIVATE Water Bottle

On one hand, there’s 3 colors to choose from.  On the other hand, those colors are black, white, and gray, and for some reason the words are printed in basically the same color as the bottle on all 3.  Also, the layout of the design has the “a” tacked on so awkwardly that I straight up thought it just said “Cultivate Better World.” 3/10

The Chips and Guac Slides

Ah, the perfect summer shoe.  No longer do we have to worry about that annoying piece of plastic that goes between your toes on regular flip flops, nor do you have to worry about people not knowing how much you like chips and guac.   5/10, unless of course you’re wearing them with the Panera Swim-soup, then 10/10.  That’s a look. 

The Socks

I do love a fun pair of socks.  And in these relatively neutral colors, they could go with pretty much anything.  That being said, the fact that it’s a 3-pack, but they do the pepper design twice kinda brings to light the fact that they only really have 2 different print designs in the entire line.  Surely they could have added little tortilla chips, or beans? The internet really loves beans.  6/10, one point for each sock. 

The Reusable Lunch Bag

Part of me thinks they dropped the ball by not making this one of their iconic, highly decorated bags.  But also, I feel like I’d be disappointed eating anything other than Chipotle out of such a bag.  But ALSO, why get this Chipotle bag when plenty of other people have made bags just like this before? 2/10

The Dad Hat

Even though I tend to not wear hats in my free time (I wear a hat for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, my hair needs room to breathe), I do have a soft spot for dad hats. I don’t think I would ever walk around with a Chipotle hat, though, but at least it’s not a beanie.  9/10

The Beanie

Fuck. Shit.  Goddammit.    

In all seriousness, though? The Chipotle logo seems much more subtle on this, especially if you wore it with the logo off to the side.  Instead of getting roasted the second you show up to the hangout sesh, you get about halfway through when someone breaks an awkward silence with “wait, is that a Chipotle beanie?” and you just go “yeah” and all have a laugh at it.  8/10

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